When I married Traci, she showed me a different side of life that was much more rewarding than having everyone looking after you all the time. After Traci and I got married, we became closer and closer to Mom and Dad. Dad and I did not see eye to eye when I was young but as I got older (and more helpful) we became much closer.
As Traci and I watched them grow older, we realized that they had no visible way to retire, EVER! Traci and I had been talking about how we could get them to retire and come live with us for 4-5 years but nothing ever seemed to work out until we moved to Bonham, Texas and bought our lake house. We specifically bought that house because it was configured where it could be easily modified to have a Mother and Father quarters in the house. There was still a big hurdle that they had to jump to make it happen. They had to sell their house in Hobbs, New Mexico. They had almost given up until out a the blue a true miracle happened. Someone just walked up to their house and told them they wanted to buy the house. They offered enough money to pay everything off and get them mostly out of debt. Mom and Dad then made a huge decision and decided to come live with us and be a part of our family. This was a huge decision for them and showed an amazing amount of trust in us! That was back in 1994!
Those of you that have taken parents in or have a special needs family member know what a blessing and huge amount of responsibility it is. The thing that we did not understand is that making this commitment changes everything in your life. It changes your relationship with your spouse, children, siblings, and most of all, it changes your relationship with your parents.
When Mom and Dad first came to live with us, they were fairly young, in pretty good shape, and were fairly self sufficient. We had a mutually good relationship. Traci and I had just started our own business and had to travel a lot. They helped us by being at home with our girls while we were building our business. Traci and I provided all of their housing, utilities, insurance, medicine, and later, their transportation.
We did everything with them and they were our best friends. We went on vacations, went to auctions, and lots of other stuff. As they got older, things began to change.We had to move to Houston and they wanted to stay in Bonham. Our girls grew up and no longer needed anyone to watch after them. Mom and Dad became somewhat independent again until their health began failing. As they started getting more frail, we did less and less fun stuff and began to have to focus on helping them in a lot of ways both financially and making decisions. When Mom died nearly 10 years ago, Dad elected to come to Houston to be with us. Dad was still in pretty good shape and was very independent. He was so helpful to have around. He mowed grass, took out trash, helped take care of animals, and anything else he could do to help out.
As Dad has gotten older our role has changed dramatically. He had to start doing less and less and he depended on us more and more. There was less time for fun stuff because we spent most of our free time taking him to doctors, administering medicine, fixing stuff, etc. There has not been much time for fun stuff. Traci and I had become healthcare providers instead of just hanging out. We became the ones who have to make tough decisions, tell him what he can and cannot do, and provide most of his transportation. That process changes everything!
Raising parents is the most rewarding, frustrating, and tiring thing anyone can do! Traci and I would not take a million dollars for making that decision 24 years ago but it has taken it toll as well. Typically couples our age have an empty nest. Traci and I have been married for 37 years and since we had kids, we have never been alone in our house. I am not complaining, just merely stating the facts. Most of you may wonder why Traci and I take the crazy hurried trips and do crazy hobbies. They are our release and they are very important for us to reset our lives. We can't afford to be gone long because we need to stay close to Dad so we take what we can.
Those of you that either have parents that live with you or have a special needs person in your life know what I am talking about.
The process of raising parents can change your relationship with other family and your parents as well. Those of you that may be gifted with raising parents some day, need to know this. Your role of raising parents can make you appear to others as hard and unbending. It is true that you have to make tough decisions and direct your parents but it is a natural process. As everyone gets older the roles reverse. When you have to make tough decisions or take strong stands about things, outsiders may think you are unreasonable and controlling. Anyone who is not a part of the daily activities of raising parents, typically does not "Get It". In actuality, the care provider must take charge on certain things and compromise on others. It is a give and take and everyone involved has to compromise and be a team player.
Again, God has blessed Traci and I so much by providing us with the ability to take care of Mom and Dad. It is something that we never regret and thank God for allowing us to be a daily part of our parents lives. After all, how many kids get to spend 24 + extra years with their parents after they grow up and leave home? Thank you God for giving us this gift.
We love you Mom and can't wait to see you again. Dad, we love you too and hope to spend a bunch of more years with you. We are ready to get you fixed and back home again.
Love you both,
Dean and Traci
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